Around 10 years ago or so, I had the opportunity to visit Japan with my mother and two of her sisters. We spent a week with a tour group and then broke off from them and spent a week traveling and visiting with some distant cousins of my mom and her sisters.
I did not know how to use chopsticks before this vacation. Hunger will teach your fingers compliance really damn fast. Except in my case. Hunger laughed at me and bought a ticket to Maui. It took over a week for me to figure it out. It probably has something to do with the freaky way I hold a pencil. What? You never noticed? Hand me some paper and a pen and I'll show you sometime.
It was beautiful there - especially when you lifted your eyes and tried to see the mountains above the gazillion people crowded into such a tiny living space. When we were in Tokyo with our tour group I mentioned to our guide that I was a vegetarian. In retrospect, perhaps not the wisest of ideas. After much consultation with the chef, the hostess, another tour guide, and several dictionaries they came to the conclusion that surely I must eat chicken and fish. No, nothing that had a face. There was a lot of bowing and some clucking (verification?) and shortly thereafter the chef himself appeared and presented me with a plate of tempura fried vegetables that literally could have fed a family of eight. I thanked him and bowed and soon realized that he wasn't going anywhere. The tour guide whispered to me that it would be a great insult to the chef if I didn't eat every single vegetable because of the great effort he had gone through. I cannot begin to tell you how ill I felt after eating that much fried food in one sitting. And I did eat it all. The chef nodded and went back to his kitchen, probably laughing his ass off that I actually did it. I learned my lesson. After that I just ate my rice and discretely passed the fish to my relatives.
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Visual:
Standing over the diner is a sinewy, square-jawed man with jet-black hair pulled back tight. His topknot has two chopsticks sticking through it. He stands firm as a statue, with arms crossed, chin tucked, bushy eyebrows cocked toward the submissive diner. She cowers over her plate and averts her eyes by staring at a fried bean.
Slowly, he takes half a step back and emits a sharp grunt as he firmly plants his foot. He places his left fist on his hip, and raises his right fist above his head. The tour guides fade back. He pulls the chopsticks from his topknot, extracting them slowly for maximum effect. Quickly switching his stance, he shoves the chopsticks forward so forcefully that you can hear the air being sliced. Faint gasps are heard around the room.
The diner raises her hands to accept the chopsticks, without taking her eyes off the fried bean. He abruptly resumes his original statuesque pose, feet spread slightly further apart, fists on hips.
She looks at the chopsticks as one might look at a Hikami puzzle. With a chopstick in each hand, she tries to pick up the fried bean. It slips back to the plate. She tries again. And again, and again.
The man furrows his brow and exchanges impatient glances with the tour guides. After 23 attempts with the fried bean, the diminutive diner puts the chopsticks down. While continuing to stare at the plate, she asks "Um, can I have steak teriyaki?"
Definition of Hari Kari - pissing off Iron Chef.
Good story, Zen, but I realize it's all just a ploy to get me to cop to planning on poisoning you with beef broth. Palooza is P-7 days. Bring it on, baby. You have no idea what I'm gonna bring. . . .be afraid, be very afraid.
What Really Happened:
Man thinks "Damn. This top knot is a bitch! The wife has wound it too tightly again. And I really think I caught lice from that prostitute. These chopsticks do not help with the itch at all. Damn Shizu san for suggesting it." "Oh, look! A tourist. I think I'll go say 'hi' and... *grunt* itchy, itchy, itchy!! I'll scratch my scalp again and oh, man... everybody's looking at me. Why is everything looking at me? The chopsticks! I can't let them know I have lice! What would Bryan Boytano do? I know! I'll give them to the tourist. Surely that will distract everyone. Yeah... I meant to give them to her. With a flourish even! Yes! Everyone gasped - do I know how to inspire awe or what?! Uh oh... I think I ate too many edamame. My bowels feel queasy. If I stand very still, let me slide this foot over a tad... there - maybe I won't disgrace my family with a spice blow that would do a Harkonnen proud."
Girl thinks "I can't believe he just gave me the chopsticks he was scratching his head with! Maybe if I just fiddle with this bean enough everyone will get bored and look away and I can hide them under my plate. *Shudder* Jeez. They're all still looking. Time for plan B."
HFS! you are literally killing me! I swear, I almost choked on a Cheez-It!
that is great.
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